What is home really?

We have all heard the phrase "Home is where the heart is".  I have struggled with this over the last seven months.  Seven months ago we picked up and moved.  It was a move that came out of nowhere.  I fought the move through tears and anger, but there was always a still, resounding voice that kept saying, "Go!" from within my spirit.

My entire life has been spent in Texas.  My journey as a child started off west of Dallas, living in a trailer park, where my grandparents also lived.  After a few years of living there, we hitched our home to the back of a truck, and hauled it down the interstate. Off we went to another trailer park.  It's an interesting thing to move an hour away, but to bring your home with you.  We lived in that same mobile home until I was seven and my parents decided to build a home nearby.  Even though our new home was much nicer, I remember longing for the trailer park.  I remembered the familiarity of playing on our porch, skating around the park with neighborhood kids, and swimming at the clubhouse.  My little heart ached for the familiarity that we had in the home we hauled around.

Years passed and we were in our new home, enjoying it, swimming in the pool, playing football and basketball on a daily basis, and having friends over.  When I graduated I didn't go too far.  My first stop in college was an hour away.  I was in a relationship and I couldn't imagine anymore distance at the time.  My friends were also going to this school so I followed along.  We made our home in a dorm room and a few months later had the option to move to another, larger dorm, so we made the move.  Midway through my experience I soon realized that I was not at a college that had a lot of Christian influence.  Besides my high school friends, I felt like I was on an island when it came to my walk with Christ.  I decided to apply to Baylor, hoping to find a better fit.  This was HUGE for me.  Up until this time I was constantly clinging to familiarity.  I could not imagine leaving my friends and going to a place where I knew no one, but I felt led to apply just the same.  I was accepted and off I went that following year.

I moved into an apartment with a girl that I met from a board of people needing a roommate.  I loved Baylor, but financially it was not working out.  I had already signed a lease for the next year with some friends in a duplex so I decided to take some courses at the local community college.  From there I started my application process again.  I was becoming quite good at the whole applying thing at this point.  I applied to University of Arkansas and to a university in Texas.  I had started dating my husband, who had been my best friend for over six years, at this time and yes, that played into my decision.  I visited both campuses and in the end decided that University of Arkansas was too far when it came to really giving things a go with my husband.  I moved into another apartment with three other girls that I had never met.  It went well, but after a year I had met friends in the Christian sorority I was a part of.  The following year I moved into a rent house with some of my sorority girls.  My husband and I got engaged right before I started my journey into student teaching.  Once we were married, we moved into an apartment in the neighboring city for six months and then we bought a house near our hometown.  

All of this being said, I moved ten times (before this last move) and eight of those times were within six years. Yes, some of those moves were small, but it started building up more resiliency to being in situations that were unfamiliar.  However, once we moved into our home as a married couple and started having kids, I felt planted again, rooted, and I wanted nothing to do with the unfamiliar again.

Like I said, our move to Tennessee came out of absolutely nowhere.  I'll save that story for another day, but just know that it knocked me off my throne of security.  Since we moved we have visited friends and family in Texas and without fail I flood myself with tears all throughout the visit.  When it comes to the phrase, "Home is where the heart is", I have said a hundred times, "My HEART is here in Texas.  What are we doing?"  However, as any Texan knows, you will always have a special love for Texas, no matter where you go.  Other states may be beautiful, wonderful, etc. etc., but there is just something special about Texas.  Period.

Hence my new bumper sticker...

I remember during a recent church service I distinctly (and loudly) heard the voice of the Holy Spirit.  He said, "I am your HOME.  Not a place.  Not a person.  Just ME and I am with you WHEREVER you may go." In this moment, 
I knew I was home.   Yes, I missed the familiarity of my surroundings in Texas.  Yes, I missed my family and friends.  All of the ideas I had conjured up in my mind of where we would live in Texas and what we would be doing were washed away, but I suddenly felt great peace in the "unknown".  It was no longer the unknown, but instead the one thing that was truly known.   "Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." -Joshua 1:9-
The Lord is taking me to another place when it comes to my relationship with Him.  He is the only constant, everything else is truly temporary.  My confidence should be in Him, not solely the pleasures of this Earth.  Those things will change, shift, and disappoint, but the Lord, our God, is everlasting. "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." -James 1:17-
Often times I have doubt and fear creep in my mind when it comes to losing loved ones or something happening to myself.  The fear can be consuming, leaving me with questioning what my girls would do with out me and how Adam would be.   Through this God has reminded me that this is my home for now, but at some point my spirit will abandon my flesh and only then will I truly be home. Home is not necessarily where "the heart is". He is dwelling within your spirit.  He is living in the snowfall, blooming flowers, and sunshine.  His image thrives through his people all around you.  He is everywhere you go and in everything you see.   Home is where God is and he is everywhere you go. "Jesus replied, 'Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching.  My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them." -John 14:23-

Kids are just gross

If you have a weak stomach for all things kid, turn back, look away, read no more.  I understand.  I was the teenage babysitter who tried to convince the "older" five year old sibling to change his baby brother's diaper as I had Kleenex shoved up my nose and I tried to restrain myself from gagging.  I pleaded with the kid, begging him to give me a hand.  I would give him a cookie if he would change his brother's diaper for me.  Heck, I would've settled for an assistant for that matter.  I couldn't handle kids and their need to release anything and everything that they would consume within the day.

Flash forward 15 years.

It is true what they say about "it being different with your own kids".  It is absolutely different.  However, some days are just a little more than you want to handle.  At least I can now laugh about it with Bumble, with her being three.  The last two days have been an adventure in this area of things.  If you get grossed out easily, stop now, but if you are a parent I'm sure you can relate.

Hoot eats constantly.  She is just a passionate eater and always has been.  She was taking down 8 oz. from the beginning pretty much and has always enjoyed solids.  If we don't feed her fast enough she is yelling, grunting, and slamming her chubby little hand on the table.  She is a demanding little sucker.  However, with all of the food intake comes a lot of outtake.  We have spent many times on the side of the road, cleaning out blowouts, and many mornings changing sheets.  So as I am tearing off sheets today, running late for my MOMS group, I am doing an internal struggle of "do I throw her in the bath this morning and become even later OR do I just grab that box of wipes?"  I went with the second option (terrible I know), shoveled some food down, and out the door we went.  All the while I am trying to peel the layers of white dog hair that cling to me and fly around in the air.  Oh Denali. My 130 pound Husky-Wolf thinks it is summer when I turn on the heater in our apartment.  It is 30 degrees outside, come on man.  I had already cleaned our couch twice this morning with it being covered in an inch of snow white hair.  He likes to cram his body between the coffee table and the couch in search of crumbs left behind, while leaving a trail of clumpy dog hair along the couch line.  You can't escape it.  I'm not sure why I own anything black.  

We were only 30 minutes late to group.  Upon leaving I hear Hoot cough a few times and then start crying.  I do what I always do instinctively with her.  I reach in the diaper bag, grab a box of raisins, and hand them back.  Bumble immediately says, "Umm, Mom...she has oatmeal all over her."  Say what?  I get out to find her covered in breakfast from the morning.  Lovely.  I grab the wipes in the front seat and try to clean her up, very quickly, because my chubby little friend decides that she is going to eat her now resurfaced Craisins and oatmeal.  Yuck.  She just can't resist any kind of food being that close.

We get back and before getting her out of the car I decide to take off her shirt, even though it's freezing, and run her inside.  I throw Bumble's lunch in the microwave and throw Hoot in the tub.  After giving them both baths and lunch I get them into bed for a much needed nap.  After a few minutes I hear the springs of Hoot's mattress and I know that Bumble has made her way into Hoot's bed and they are jumping like crazy.  It's their own personal trampoline.  After about ten minutes of this Bumble is calling me saying, "Mom, get in here.  We have an emergency."  I walk in to find that Bumble has hopped out of the crib and is pointing at her sister, who is eating something (you can fill in that blank).  Another blow out.  Pants, shirt, back, hairline.  Yes.  Everything off.  Let's start again.  As I'm changing her, the sheets, and everything else Denali enters the room and decides he wants to start in on what he's finding in the sheets.  Then, Bumble jumps out of bed saying, "Mom!  I need to use the restroom!" and runs out of the room to the bathroom.  Once again, we get all settled, I get them down again, and I sit down to do a little reading.  Denali walks in and starts licking the coffee table, which usually doesn't bother me a ton, but with the situation being what it was and knowing where his tongue had been I immediately broke out the cleaners.

If you would have told the fifteen year old me what I would be doing down the road I would never have believed it.  All without Kleenex up the nostrils too.  Quite an accomplishment in itself.

Kids expose you to things that you never thought you would do.  Sometimes, when you are in the throws of complete chaos, you just need to smile, laugh, and take it in.  It's just for a moment.  A moment that will pass and I know at some point these little gross kiddos won't need me quite as much.  So for now, even though I often cringe, I will gladly follow them around and take care of all of their "emergencies".