Pride: From the Heavenly Realms to a Garden

Pride.  Sneaky sneaky pride.  We often think that pride is found when we desire to be noticed or recognized.  Perhaps when we do something really awesome and we want our friends to notice, say something, shower us with compliments.  Pride gets in the way of apologies, being fully thankful, and heartfelt, Christ-given forgiveness.  Pride smashes opportunities.  It smothers and destroys relationships.  Must be why in Proverbs 16:5 Solomon says, "The Lord detests all the proud of heart.  Be sure of this:  They will not go unpunished."  I think we often understand the dangers of pride when it comes to not being humble and thinking of others before ourselves.  Not that we always avoid it, but we get it, to a degree anyway.  However, there is another side of pride that is a bit sneakier at times.

Let's start with Lucifer.  The name Lucifer, translated from the Hebrew word "helel", meant brightness.  How darkened that brightness became when he allowed self-derived pride and arrogance to take over.

"How are you fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! How are you cut down to the ground, which did weaken the nations! For you have said in your heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God: I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation, in the sides of the north: I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High. Yet you shall be brought down to hell, to the sides of the pit."
Isaiah 14:12-15

Satan desired to be exalted above all of the angels and above God as well.  He wanted it all and his pride destroyed him.

Now, moving forward to the story we know all too well.  The slithering serpent, Satan, finds and tempts Eve in the Garden of Eden. This is the moment when death and darkness entered our perfect world through the sin of man.  In Genesis 2:16 it says, "The Lord commanded the man,'You are free to eat from any tree in the garden, but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die."  Then, Satan slithers up to Eve and says, "You will not surely die.  For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil" (Genesis 3:4-5).  Pride was clearly a weakness for Satan, so in turn, he played on her pride.  He tempted her desire to be all-knowing, to gain understanding, and to be even greater than her creator.  Satan knows that our pride drives us and He will use whatever tool available, a forbidden tree in this case, to trigger our prideful inclinations into falling out of rhythm with our God.  In Proverbs 16:18 it says, "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall" and here it is, the greatest fall of them all, as many commentaries call this, "The Fall of Man".

I have doubt and worry that often creeps in, despite my own best efforts to lock it out.  I can hear that little, anxious, annoying voice (that is SO not God) saying, "Well, what about this?  What if you missed this?" so I start the search for answers.  Then, questions about my parenting saying,  "Are you doing the right thing for your kids?  You should probably look up the best methods on how to do this.  What about activities, do you have them in enough?  What if you are missing that one special activity that would make your kid great?"  I continue searching and I also continue feeling more and more unrest, anxiety, and doubt.  It's that desire to know it all.  Good and evil.  I want to know the good stuff so I can feel good.  I want to know the bad stuff so I can be "prepared".  Isn't that why we watch the news, peruse certain medical sites, and read comments and testimonies from people, searching for an answer, a sense of peace, a sense of understanding?  I do find it interesting that Satan tempted the woman first with this kind of reasoning.  As the stereotype goes, some men don't like asking for directions.  Why?  Because that particular man is being prideful enough to think he already knows the way.  He thinks he already knows the answer.  A woman on the other hand, stereotypically of course, wants to stop and ask directions.  She has the need to want to understand, reason, and get the answers.  Satan approaches Eve, tempting her with knowledge and answers, and she takes the bait.

Think about the the time when Jesus was tested by Satan in the wilderness.  After fasting for forty days and nights Jesus was hungry.  Satan said, "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread" (Matthew 4:3).  How easy would this have been for Jesus? First of all, Satan tempted him by suggesting something that would satisfy his physical hunger, but there's something more.  Satan said, "IF" you are the Son of God.  He's basically saying, "Prove it Jesus!" and for most this would trigger the response, "I'll show him what I can do".  The roots of that response are sunk deep in pride.  Satan tries to tempt even Jesus by playing on prideful tendencies.  

I am going through Lysa TerKeurst's Finding I Am study right now and it is SO good.  If you are looking for a study that dives into the depths of Jesus this is a good one to have in your rotation.  The first week revolves around Jesus when He says, "I am the bread of life" in John 6:35.  He continues to say, "Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.  But as I told you, you have seen me and still you do not believe.   All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away.  For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me."

Yes, I have read this verse before, but when I read it this time, in light of my constant pursuit for answers regarding a myriad of subjects, it hit me just right.  Sometimes God gives me a direct answer about something, I rest in it for a few minutes (sometimes longer), and then I start the search.  The search can be asking others for advice, which is not a bad thing in itself, but it is when I am ignoring the answer that God has already smacked down, right in front of my face.  It can look like scrolling through my phone, googling for answers, hoping to find truth amidst the chaos and unrest of the internet.  Sometimes God doesn't give you an "answer" at all so you start searching, frantically, trying to find some sort of peace or an answer in a friend or a website, not knowing where to turn.  God placed some truth in my heart this last week.  Isn't it a slap in the face to God when we pridefully say His answers aren't good enough and we are going to find our own way?  Even if we don't receive what we perceive as a true answer to our question, here is the truth...

HE is the ANSWER.

Instead of searching for earthly answers we must be willing to sit in his presence, knowing that HE is the continual, life-giving, manna sent down from Heaven and no other answer will ever feed us sufficiently.  We can fall into our own prideful ways, searching for answers, always questioning, continually fearing and the more we follow this path the less and less we will hear the voice of God.  When we ask God a question, we must believe that not only He will guide us toward an answer, but that ultimately He is the answer.  We are called to trust in Him as the life-giving, life-altering bread of life. We are called to rest, and just be still in his presence, even when the questions are swirling all around.

There is no doubt that it is hard for us.  If it was easy to do then it would not be a tool that the devil uses so often, even on Jesus.  However, when we resist and turn away from pride, we can see and hear Jesus more clearly, giving us the true answer we have been searching for all along.

Oh What a Day in Ohio!

So, we have been in Ohio for a little over a week now.  Yesterday was a day full of crazy chaos.  You know those days where you feel like you are rolling around in the trenches of Murphy’s law?!  That was me.  Everything that could go wrong pretty much did.

The night before I was able to get a lot of boxes unpacked in the apartment while Adam took the girls down to the hot tub and pool.  Ironically, the pool at our apartment opens in April in Ohio where any apartment I lived in at Texas didn’t open until after Memorial Day.  So, with all of that progress I decided to jump into homeschooling the next morning.  I knew it would be trying to juggle a lot because keep in mind I’m still trying to figure out homeschooling with three kiddos, much less in a new place, with a lot of our stuff still hanging around in stacked boxes.  

I started off strong, but felt my patience wearing thin...fast...as they were both slugs, laying their heads on the table, yawning, etc.  We got through a good portion, but in the middle of it I had the brilliant idea to start making dinner so it would be ready to go in the fridge, and we could work out when the hubs got home.  I started chopping up veggies, all the while glancing at the time because we needed to leave for Hoot's and M's (still not sure of a blog name for her...it will come) doctor appointments by 1:15.  It was about 12:00 p.m. at this point.  So, the recipe for the soup called for a 1/2 cup of wine.  I am not a big wine drinker and if I drink any it means that the hubs (he also needs a blog name) opened the bottle.  However, he was at work so I decided that I was an adult and I could handle it.  I started with a wine opener.  This resulted in me Facetiming my husband, at his work, to help me open a bottle of wine.  I was getting so frustrated and kept watching my time ticking away.  I pulled out a metal skewer from the night before and stabbed the cork.  This only produced a tiny hole and the wine stubbornly would not come out.  I then saw the scissors sitting on the counter.  I grabbed them and took a few good stabs at the cork and BAM, there went the cork, down into the bottle, scissors still stuck, and it splashed all over me.  I poured the wine into my measuring cup, scissors still inside, and I couldn’t help but laugh.  This would be our first appointment with one of my husband's employed doctors and I was going to wreak of wine.  Lovely.  Just lovely. 

I got to a stopping point with the soup, grabbed M to feed her, and rushed the girls around to get their shoes and pants on.  As I was getting my shoes M had a large burp and up it came.  Spit up.  On me.  On the floor.  I wiped up what I could, but kept rolling.  

Going to the doctor

As we drove to the office Bumble told me she had a headache.  Not even five minutes later she is hunched over, head resting on the seat in front of her, throwing up in the car.  Not to give too much information, but she had just had bananas and if you know me I am NOT  a fan of bananas, so that just added to the issue.  Hoot starts screaming crying and I’m like, “Hoot, why are you crying?!” and she said, “Mom, because I love her!”  Oh goodness or "BLESS" for you Tennesseans.  We were almost to the office, or so I thought.  Honestly, I couldn’t feel more out of my comfort zone.  I am in a new vehicle, which I love, but am not familiar with at all (where are the lights, how do I turn on the rear AC, etc. etc.) and I have really no idea where I am.  I glance around at the license plates around me, still really in disbelief, thinking “O---HIIII--OOO....I live in Ohhhiiiooo....”  Yep, going to take a second to get used to that one.  

So, we arrive at the office, Bumble and Hoot have both recovered from the drive over and as we walk in M is now wide awake.  They hand me two sets of a million papers to fill out.  You know.  

So, here I am, looking and probably acting like  a frazzled mess of a Mom that smells like wine and has wet spit up marks on her jeans and shirt, while rocking a baby in a carrier, filling out paperwork, and handing the other two kids snacks and an iPad.  Anything to keep everyone occupied.  Gosh.  Who knows what I signed my name on because I didn’t read a thing.

M received two shots.  Poor girl.  Poor Mom.  Ugh.  Shots are never fun for anyone.  Afterward, I rewarded myself with Chick-fil-A.  It’s been a bit since I’ve had fast food.  Go me.  Focusing on healthy eating, but who cares when everything else seems to be going down the drain.  That’s when you throw up your hands and jump in the drive thru.

We got back to the apartment, I turned the heat on the soup, and sat outside to feed M.  After a few minutes I smelled scorched mushrooms.  Yep, the soup was burning.  I ran in there, turned down the heat, and tried to tidy up my disaster of a kitchen.  I ended up spilling yogurt all over the kitchen floor and down into the trash bin.  Chewy took care of clean up for that one.  I just laughed.  What else do you do?

Hubs got home and instead of being a complete grump ball I felt joy.  I told him about my day and we laughed.  Dinner ended up being a success.  I made a creamy mushroom soup and crostini topped with a pesto aioli, chopped spinach, marinated balsamic chicken, and provolone cheese.  Big yums.  The girls were watching Netflix in my room so I lit some candles and we started dinner without them.  Sometimes you just have to do that.  Have some one on one time with your guy.  The girls eventually joined us once they got a whiff of food in the apartment.  We had such a good time at dinner, laughing, and talking.  It was honestly refreshing.  He commented a few times saying, “I’m so impressed with you having such a crazy day, but still being in such a good mood and do you see how it’s contagious?  This has been the best dinner we have all had together since being here.”  

This day was eye opening for me.  The events of the day do not need to dictate my mood.

Love Proverbs 31:25 where it says, “She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future”.  This verse shows the carefree attitude we are called to have.  It is pointless to worry.  It is pointless to fear.  This day reminded me to truly live in the moment, good or bad, crazy or sad, and just take it for ALL that it is because this is the day that the Lord has given me.  Our attitudes are contagious and it’s amazing how our mood can set the tone for the moods around us as well.  So, because of the string of chaotic events yesterday I will live today a little lighter.  God has already been teaching me so much through this move and I am thrilled to be on this adventure with Him.  Don’t get me wrong.  This week has been tough.  Full of full blown panic attacks and fear.  However, I know that God is holding me tightly and He alone is my refuge.

Moving On...Again. Big changes ahead.

So, here we go again.  Weeks before I delivered little girl #3 (still thinking of a good blog name for her) a potential move was discussed.  Nothing was set or decided, but the idea was tossed around.  Moving to Tennessee from Texas was heart-wrenching to say the least.  I had said we would never move, but God had other plans for our family.  Tennessee, even though I didn't see it at the time, has been an amazing God-given blessing for our family.  We have met so many incredible people, built an amazing home, started homeschooling, had the opportunity to be a part of an awesome church,  Bumble accepted Christ and was baptized, and we have had the blessing of just experiencing this beautiful state and all it has to offer.  Not to mention, we had our sweet little one here just nine weeks ago!  We have had friends and family visit that we have only drawn closer to through concentrated, longer visits together.  I never thought those relationships would lessen, but I honestly didn't think they would thrive and grow either.  God had his hand in it all.  Through our transition from Texas to Tennessee we all have grown closer together, but ultimately we have drawn nearer to God.  I have seen our faith grow and our trust in him thrive, despite circumstances.  Loneliness.  The unknown.  Anxiety.  You name it.  God was there and He continually revealed His presence in numerous ways.

Fast forward to now.  The hubs has received an amazing career opportunity in Ohio.  It's an opportunity that could only be thrown together through the hands of God.  My heart, my emotions, and even my physical body (headaches, nausea, etc.) has fought it, but I also know the feeling when God is asking me to step outside of my comfort zone.  He has reminded me that he doesn't call us to be comfortable.  He calls us to sometimes get a little uncomfortable for Him.  We get it wrong so much of the time, thinking it's about our desires and our comforts when God is trying to continually point us toward Him and His glory.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Romans 8:28

This is where God keeps bringing me.  All of these transitions and changes, while they seem crazy and scary on the outside, are working toward good.  HIS ultimate good.  And if I am truly seeking Him and His will then it is for our good as well.  In this, I have JOY.

One night, I woke up, pondering thoughts of sadness and confusion.  We had just spent wonderful time with friends and family back home and my heart yearned to just stay, be with them, and forget all of this mess.  God stilled my heart and said, "Amber, this is just for a blink.  Fortunately, the majority of your loved ones will be with you in Heaven for eternity.  You will spend eternity with them.  While on this Earth, go.  Do as I say.  Be a witness to others.  Love.  Touch lives and let others minister to you as well.  That is your job while you are here.  Thank me for the blessing of your family and friends and rejoice in the fact that you have those relationships, but do not covet them above me.  Serve me here and now, in this present moment, not looking back, but pressing toward the goal in which I am calling you (Philippians 3:14)."

It snapped things into perspective for me.  We get so caught up in the here and now that we often forget our purpose.  Our purpose is not about us.  It's about Him.  

Since then I have been practicing focusing on Him more and me less.  I have been thanking him for the relationships I have.  I have been thanking him for the blessing of experiences.  Rich, beautiful experiences that I would have never experienced if I had not stepped out in faith.  God has shown me how to release my death grip on the past, wanting certain things to be the way they "used to be", and instead find excitement in the things to come because He is ALREADY in it, waiting to bless us there too.

All of this being said, there are still a lot of ups and downs emotionally.  We returned home from Texas after Christmas and instead of feeling that overwhelming, "we're home" relief you usually feel after a long drive, I had mixed feelings.  My "home" didn't quite feel like home.  I knew we would be selling it.  I knew we would be having our family Christmas and I would be packing it all up immediately after to get ready for showings.  As a Mom (specifically a stay at home Mom), our house is my office.  It is my job.  I am continually thinking of ways to make it feel like a home.  I stare at hallways and blank walls as possibilities and often times in utter frustration, trying to figure out the perfect decor to tie it all together.  Our office, turned homeschool room, is finally the way I want it.  My heart and soul is poured into this house.  Before our home was complete we wrote scripture on all of the beams, dedicating our home to the Lord, wanting it to be used to serve Him.  We have been blessed to be able to lead a life group in our home.  We have been blessed to have family and friends stay here.  We have been blessed with neighbors that are like family.  We have been blessed to have dinners, get togethers, fire pit time, roasting marshmallows, camping in the backyard, refinishing furniture in the garage, and mostly just incredible bonding time between the  five of us (plus Denali and Chewy...our furry family members).  

Before Christmas we made a trip to Ohio and as we parked at the hotel to check-in a man walked in with an old school Dallas Cowboys jacket.  Then, the lady checking us in starts talking to Adam and lets us know that she literally lived one exit down from where we lived in Texas.  Then, as we leave Ohio and are getting on the highway there is a Texas flag standing tall, flying right beside us in front of a building there.  It felt like God was sending us little comforts.  He did the same thing when we came to Tennessee.  Then, this last weekend we went to Nashville during showings on our house.  A man stopped and asked if we wanted a picture of all five of us.  As he took the picture he asked where we were from.  We told him that we currently lived here, but were moving to Ohio.  Turns out he had just moved from Ohio three months prior!  Then, we decided to take a carriage ride through the city with the girls (something we have been meaning to do this whole time).  As we talked to the man driving the carriage he said his horse's name was Ben and that they just got him a few months prior from Dayton, Ohio.  Seriously, God does this for us.  It's like he leaves little love notes, strategically placed along the way, giving us comfort and reassurance as we go.

It seems as of yesterday we have an offer on our house after being on the market for four days.  I cried when I heard.  Very bittersweet for sure.  If it all plays out the way it seems we will be living in Ohio beginning of March.  Crazy how fast things can move.  

Our sweet girls when we were building the house.  They were so little!

The day we signed to close on our lot.

Here are some of the pictures of our house from the listing:

 

I will miss our home, this town, and everyone we have met deeply.  This town and the people will hold a special place in my heart.  Maybe God will lead us back here some day.  However, I am open to wherever He leads because I know that His will is far better than anything I could create for myself.