I am now within a week, days, or minutes of meeting miss little girl #3. While I am filled with excited anticipation of holding her and just seeing her, I have moments.
Moments of questioning.
How will three be? Will the dynamic with my other two girls change? How will it be when my Mom leaves? I have become so accustomed to her being here since I have been on bed rest for the past eight weeks. I already miss her.
Moments of fear.
What if the delivery doesn’t go as planned? What if she isn’t okay? What if I’m not okay? What about the girls? What about Adam? The responsibility and love weighs heavy in my heart.
Moments of just feeling flat overwhelmed.
How will potentially moving after having a newborn and a c-section recovery be? (Did I mention we may be moving again?!...and not local either) Ya, that’s on the table too.
As a really really pregnant lady I wake up multiple times a night to use the restroom. As I plop back into the bed, trying to reposition myself, I eventually just lay there, and my mind starts running wild. The questions start pouring in and where do I usually turn in those times of questioning? Yes, sometimes the Bible and prayer, but often times my phone, wondering what others experienced, which is often times just a dangerous thing. Many times, it’s worst case scenario, and once you read those scary stories the “good” ones just don’t stick as well. By doing that, I have now filled my mind with fear instead of faith.
However, God is not a God of fear.
“There is no fear in love, but perfect loves drives out fear...”
1 John 4:18
He doesn’t operate that way, even though our emotions and feelings often times do.
Last night, as I laid in bed, and I started hearing the slew of questions and fear settling in, I prayed. I prayed for clarity and perspective. As I did, God reminded me of all of my blessings and as I said them aloud and back to him, in thankfulness, my soul felt uplifted. He said, “You feared childbirth even before you were physically able to carry a child. Didn’t I take care of you, even through the scary moments of your first delivery? Wasn’t I there? When you flooded yourself with tears as you moved away from family didn’t I provide you with hope, peace, and joy despite your circumstance? With each moment of anxiety or panic you have endured aren’t I always there the moment you just say my name? Always. 100% of the time. When you moved schools, numerous times throughout high school and college and had relationships that tested you, wasn’t I always there when you called? I will never leave you nor forsake you. I am already there.”
I came across a devotional in Jesus Calling a few days ago that nailed it perfectly. Sarah Young said this, “However, some fears surface over and over again, especially fear of the future. You tend to project yourself mentally into the next day, week, month, year, decade; and you visualize yourself coping badly in those times. What you are seeing is a false image, because it doesn’t include Me. Those gloomy times that you imagine will not come to pass, since My Presence will be with you at all times.”
When I am letting those questions run rampant in my mind I am not able to project God into those questions and scenarios because they are full of fear and doubt. God has not given me the strength in those situations because I am not actually in those situations. I can only be in the present that He is giving me right now, not a second ahead, and not a second behind.
So, as I laid there last night, praying, turning my doubtful thoughts into faithful ones, God reminded me of the Israelites. Literally, out loud, I whispered, “I will not be an Israelite.” To give a little background, we read many times throughout the Bible where God provided for his people, the people were happy (for a time), and then they grumbled, complained, and were filled with doubt. God was patient with them.
The Lord brought the Israelites out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. As he led them out of Egypt, “by day the Lord went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on their way and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, so that they could travel by day or night. Neither the pillar of cloud by day nor the pillar of fire by night left its place in front of the people” (Exodus 13:21-22). God provided a way and never left their side. YET...as Pharoah approached them, “the Israelites looked up, and there were the Egyptians, marching after them. They were terrified and cried out to the Lord. They said to Moses, “Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? Didn’t we say to you in Egypt, ‘Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians’? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!’”(Exodus 14:10-12). They had a habit of doing this. At the first sign of distress, they would abandon ship, and turn on Moses, but ultimately God.
So did God give up on them? Nope.
“Then the angel of God, who had been traveling in front of Israel’s army, withdrew and went behind them. The pillar of cloud also moved from in front and stood behind them, coming between the armies of Egypt and Israel” (Exodus 14:19-20)
Despite their doubt and fear, God was still God, and covered his people with His protection. He gave Moses the power to part the Red Sea, the Israelites passed through, and the Egyptians drowned. The Israelites then feared the Lord once again and put their trust in Him, singing songs of praise.
Don’t blink though, because when they are given another obstacle, the doubt and fear come flooding back in.
“In the desert the whole community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. The Israelites said to them, ‘If only we had died by the Lord’s hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death’” (Exodus 16:2-3)
God’s response:
“The Lord said to Moses, ‘I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites. Tell them, ‘At twilight you will eat meat, and in the morning you will be filled with bread.’ Then you will know that I am the Lord your God” (Exodus 16:11-12).
Later on we see a time when Moses went to the Mount Sinai and received the ten commandments and instruction from God for his people. He spent 40 days and 40 nights there and the Israelites became impatient. They bail and jump right back into their old ways.
“When the people saw that Moses was so long in coming down from the mountain, they gathered around Aaron and said, ‘Come, make us gods who will be go before us. As for this fellow Moses who brought us out of Egypt, we don’t know what has happened to him” (Exodus 32:1)
From this, we see that their trust was placed more within a man instead of God and all that he had provided for them and promised thus far.
This type of thing happened all throughout the Bible. God provides. His people celebrate. Troubles come. People are filled with fear, doubt, and complaints.
In Matthew we see Peter, having enough faith to step out of his boat, and walking out onto the water to meet Jesus. However, “when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, ‘Lord save me!’ Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. ‘You of little faith,’ he said, ‘why did you doubt?’” (Matthew 14:30-31)
Even after the disciples had seen countless miracles, they still struggled with their faith. One evening the disciples travelled in a boat with Jesus. A storm came and the waves crashed over their boat. All the while, Jesus slept. The disciples panicked. “‘Teacher don’t you care if we drown?’ He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, ‘Quiet! Be still!’ Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, ‘Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?’ They were terrified and asked each other, ‘Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!’” (Mark 4:38-41)
Last night I refused to allow the fearful thoughts to create holes in my faith and instead thanked God for his blessings in my life. Through doing this, the Lord reminded me, “Haven’t you been acting like my people, the Israelites as they doubted me and disobeyed? What about the doubt and faithlessness my disciples displayed even after I provided for them time and time again? Amber, I have provided for you time and time again, yet you forget when the storms come, and let fear, the tool of the devil, to seep in. Live in this present moment, knowing that I will be there in your future, just as I have been in your past.”
I know in my soul that God allowed these instances to be in His word to show us that we all struggle and fall short. Even his most trusted, beloved people, were often times filled with doubt and fear. Thank the Lord that His providence and blessings are not contingent on my emotional stability or what I “deserve”. His providence is based on HIS love, it never fails, and covers all.
So, this morning I am stepping out in faith, remembering his promises. There is a lot of power in the name of Jesus and just by saying His name I can feel my faith being redirected to His word and thankfulness, not the what-if, circumstantial issues of this world.
