Thoughts for Your Weekend

This is actually a piggyback post from my previous entry.  A little cause and effect if you may.  These past few weekends have been full of stuff.  I have been doing photo shoots on the weekends, we have been picking out the details for our home (such a process to build!), we took a trip to North Carolina for my husband's triathlon, and one of the weekends Bumble was sick.  Needless to say, we have done a lot of online church watching.  I definitely have missed the consistency of going, but things have been so busy that honestly the weeks and weekends have all just been running together.

This last Saturday, after a morning shoot, I met my husband and our girls at the pool.  We had a wonderful time, but as 2:30 rolled around my hopes of going to the night service dwindled.  I knew that we needed to get them home, throw them in the bath, and put them down for naps.  Believe me, those girls need their naps.  So by 3:45 I had them down.  Before Bumble crashed she said, "Mom, are we going to church tonight?"  I said, "If you wake up in time, yes we will, but if you are still sleeping when it's time to go, we won't because you really need your rest."  

"Deal!", she said.

It was 5:00 p.m. and still no stirring.  Even the husband was passed out across the bed.  Bumble has a history of getting sick shortly after I run her around too much with errands and activities so after thinking on it I let her sleep.  

My husband woke up and we decided to watch the service online.  At 6:30 p.m. her door popped open and immediately she said, "Mom, are we going to church?"  I explained to her that church started at 6:00 and it's too late now.  That girl was so disappointed.  Not fully understanding, she pleaded her argument that we still needed to go.  

Let the guilt set in.  My child was begging me to go to church.

The next morning, I awoke at 6 a.m. to Bumble in my face.

"Mom, did I wake up early enough for church?"

I was thinking, "Oh yeah, too early."

Instead I said, "Yes, but we watched church last night online.  We're not going today, but we'll go next week."  I know.  Shame on me.

"Mommmm...I want to go.  Please can we go?!"

I rolled over and saw my husband, mouth wide open, snoring away.  I glanced at the baby monitor and saw Hoot doing the same.  Of course they were, it was 6 a.m. on Sunday, but how could I say no?  My immediate thought was, "I have already seen and heard the service online.  I really enjoyed it, but to go hear it again, when I could just stay in bed, did not seem very appealing."  I reluctantly said that we would go and was immediately met with jumping up and down from Bumble.  She was ecstatic.  I made her breakfast, got her dressed, and glanced out the window.  It looked cloudy, but not crazy.  My husband would stay home with Hoot while we ventured out.  I did not want Bumble to wake up Hoot so I let her wear the shoes that were still in the hallway, which totally did not match, but who cared?  Not this Mom.

We were out the door, actually early (which rarely happens for early service), just in time for it to start sprinkling outside.  Bumble and I ran to the car and I could feel my frustration growing.  How terrible is it that my little girl is just dying to go to church and here I sit in the front seat grumbling because I had to get up earlier than expected and now it was starting to rain?  I kept praying for perspective, the view I knew I should have, but all I could keep doing was focusing on the rain drops that were now pounding on my windshield.  When the rains come down in Tennessee it seems to start flooding fast and people were pulled over on the highway.  I could barely see out of the car, but here we were going to church.  A church service that I had already seen.  Why wasn't I in bed?!

Once we arrived, we ran into the church building, soaking wet.  I checked in Bumble and she excitedly leaped up the stairs, leading to her class.  Once she reached the top she smiled at me and sprinted down the hallway.  In that moment, even though I was a little late, I found the right perspective.  This little girl already has a growing heart for the Lord.  Sure, she may love the crafts they do.  She may love getting to see her friends, but I will tell you what else she loves.  She loves getting in the car and telling us about the things she learned.  She enjoys the conversations that we have about her lessons.  I love it when we are doing seemingly endless errands and she says, "Mom, I will be patient because that's what God wants us to do" or "Mom, the flowers and grass are so beautiful.  God made them for us."  She sees our church as a place of joy, friendships, and a place where she hears about the Lord.  This church has already been such a blessing for us in so many ways.

As I sat in the sanctuary, listening to the worship songs, I thanked the Lord that this little girl already has her heart stirred by Him.  She already has a desire to be here and this desire was on her mind with the first opening of her eyes that morning.  I asked for forgiveness for my attitude and thanked Him for the reminder that it is not all about me, but instead my responsibility and witness to her and her sister.

Just a thought as you prioritize your weekend activities.  I know our family often gets carried away in all of the stuff.  I thank God for my little girl and for reminding me what truly matters.

Have a great weekend!

The Number One Thing We Must Do as a Parent

Yesterday morning, it was Mother's Day, and as everyone was still snoring away I decided to go on a walk.  Since we are living in an apartment still, while we build, I have very little area to "get away" for a little quiet time.  I love bringing my Bible and journal down to the area park so that's just what I did yesterday.  After writing in my journal I went on a mile run and then walked/ran the second.  It was just beautiful.  I cranked up my praise and worship music and used this time as a prayer walk.  Afterward, I headed on over to Panera, with the intention of just grabbing a coffee.  Then, as I approached the counter, those Spinach & Bacon Soufflés were screaming at me to buy one.  How could I say no?  I ended up getting two.

I found a table outside, flipped open my Bible, and my Beth Moore Jesus Devotional (highly recommend any of the devotionals in this series).  As I read the scripture listed for Day 18 I felt myself tearing up and I knew why.  It was not because of the content or the words in this passage.  While they are, of course, very important that is not what did it for me.  I realized, as I read the passage aloud, that it just felt like home.  There was familiarity, like you find with an old friend.  The words on the pages resonated somewhere deep within my soul and I could feel the Holy Spirit well up inside.

With it being Mother's Day this especially meant something to me.  You know why it felt like home?  It was because the words that fill up these pages were engrained in me at a very early age by my parents.  

"Train up a child in the way he should go,

Even when he is old he will not depart from it."

Proverbs 22:6

"Do not let kindness and truth leave you;

Bind them around your neck,

Write them on the tablet of your heart."

Proverbs 3:3

We, as Moms, feel "Pinterest pressure".  You know what I'm talking about.  We see a hundred (or thousands) of different ideas when it comes to crafts, cooking, organization, decorating immaculately, working out, and becoming a better person.  A person that we just don't have time to become because we are too busy organizing in a new way or making a hundred different wreaths.  We start wanting to be all things to all people, despite our natural God given talents.  Our kids have a million activities we try to juggle all the while trying to be a calm "Super Mom" at the same time.  We feel torn in a hundred directions.  Don't get me wrong.  If you know me, you know I love all of the things I find on Pinterest.  I love to jump in and start new projects.  It excites me and I enjoy it a ton.  That in itself is not bad.  However, I find myself needing to take a step back and remember what is truly important.  What is truly at stake here?  

The most important thing I can do as a Mom is point my children toward God through His word, His creation, and my actions.  If my children see me putting a hundred things in front of God and my time with Him that speaks volumes.  I remember being very little and waking up early in the mornings.  Without fail my Mom was sitting at the kitchen table, with all of her highlighters out, pouring through the Bible.  When I would be struggling with something I would find a Post-It note on my mirror the next day with scripture pertaining to my issue.  If I came home from school crying over a boyfriend, she would pray with me, and tell me to journal about it to God.  

The thing is, she was constantly pointing me toward God, and showing me through her actions that He was her number one priority.  It is perfectly fine to jump into projects and take your kids to activities.  Enjoy it ALL.  God gave us all of these things so take it in.  It is just important that we strike the balance, always being sure to put God where He belongs because the other stuff is just stuff, no matter how fun.  As a Mom, we must train up our children in the ways of the Lord...now.  You cannot start too early and you are never too late, even if you have kiddos that are now adults!  Just don't wait because honestly that is ALL that really matters.

Fight the Fear. Fight the Anxiety.

I know that one of my greatest weaknesses is worry and anxiety.  I can be rolling along just fine, a doubt can creep in, and away I go, going to battle with this fear-filled, totally not of God, thought.  I hate how quickly I can get wrapped up in this type of thinking.  I will say that even though this way of thinking has always been looming in the shadows it definitely became front and center when we had the girls.  I experience anxiety when it comes to something happening to them, something happening to me or my husband, our decisions when it comes to school, and the best ways to guide and direct them toward Christ.  When it comes to our day to day activities I feel anxiety when it comes to wanting to get everything done, organized, and nice.  When the hubs walks through the door I want dinner ready to pull out of the oven, all of the laundry put away, the apartment clean, and the girls joyfully playing together (of course neatly, not messing up everything I just cleaned).  Is this reality?

NO.

Absolutely not.  Do I sometimes get one or two out of four?  Sometimes!  On a good night.

I stood in the kitchen, the other night, finishing up making Play-Doh for the girls as the hubs walked in the door from work.  Bumble and Hoot were playing with the first rounds of Play-Doh I had just made, I had a mountain (literally) of laundry stacked on our kitchen island, and a package of ground turkey sitting on the counter.  That ground turkey had great potential, but it still sat in its package, halfway frozen.  I felt accomplishment, while making the Play-Doh for the girls, but the moment he walked in it  all caught up with me.  I gave him a hug and said, "I am sorry that you get the leftovers.  I start off the day good.  I am pretty energized and ready for the day.  About midday, after all of the morning running around, I am getting tired, but still going.  Around 4:00-5:00 I can feel myself on the decline.  By the time you get home, I am tired (and sometimes a little cranky) from the craziness of the day.  I'm just sorry."  He gave me a big hug and told me how he completely understood and how he appreciates all that I do (and I know he does).

Yesterday I was thinking about how God says not to fear, not to be anxious, and to not worry well over a hundred times in the Bible.  If God says something just once you can bet it's pretty important.  To reemphasize something over a hundred times, now we're getting serious.  I have that issue to where when I try not to worry about something that is all I start to think about.  It's like if someone said, "Amber, I want you to close your eyes and not think about a green elephant".  Well, from there on out it would be a battle to think about anything but that dang green elephant.  So, as I sat there, contemplating how NOT to worry I decided to redirect my thinking off of me and onto Him.

I whispered, "I trust in you.  I trust in you with all of my heart and I lean not on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5).  In Jesus name, all thoughts and things that are not of God, FLEE in Jesus name.  Flee (James 4:7)."

Then, I thought about what God would consider as positive thinking.  Immediately, another dominant concept in scripture was spoken to me.

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NIV

As I began to thank God for everything, large and small, in my life and the lives that surround me I was struck with the the correlation between the idea of fear and giving thanks, along with the effects it has on us physically and emotionally.

Dr. Caroline Leaf, a doctor with over twenty years of brain research, wrote a book that I would highly recommend called Who Switched Off My Brain?.  In her book she says, "A sudden burst of stress lowers immunity.  However, even more ominous is the effect of small amounts of day-to-day stress.  This confuses your immune system, effectively setting in motion the autoimmune response that causes your body to turn on itself."  It is crazy how many different things within ourselves are effected, complicated, and/or destroyed by fear thoughts and anxiety.  She goes on to say, "Your thoughts can sweep away stress, making you more clever, calm and in control of your emotions, or they can do just the opposite!  The choice is yours.  Every thought we think should be weighed carefully, because as we think so are we--'For as he hath thought in his soul, so is he...' (Proverbs 23:7)."

God loves us and wants the very best for us.  Thus, the reason not fearing, not being anxious, and trusting is mentioned over a hundred times throughout scripture.  It's not by accident.  Stress and fear can wreak havoc on the body and mind, driving a wedge in your relationship with God.  On the flip side, the more your trust the closer your relationship becomes.

"A heart that has peace is life to the body, but wrong desires are like the wasting away of the bones."

Proverbs 14:30 NLV

God revealed to me yesterday that the way to experience less fear is to think of Him and Him alone.  To do this, I need to give thanks to Him in all things and in all circumstances.  

The best way to combat fear is with thankfulness.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:6-7

I immediately started thanking God for anything and everything.  My family.  The fact that I have laundry to fold.  The roof over my head.  The beautiful weather.  The changing of the seasons.  The new book I bought.  The list goes on and on.  Somewhere in the midst of my thankfulness, my mind got off of me (and my "green elephant") and I felt peace sweep through me as I looked to the God that surrounds me each day and inwardly to the Holy Spirit inside. 

It is a battle that we will continually fight.  However, that is okay because I know that the Lord gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak (Isaiah 40:29) as we call out to Him through prayer and thanksgiving.  Thank the Lord that I will never run out of things to be thankful for, no matter my circumstance.

Put On the Armor of God

We are currently building a home.  It has been a fun, not too stressful, process so far!  My husband and I stood, held hands, and prayed from within the framework a few weeks ago, asking and thanking God for a few things.  We, of course, are extremely thankful for the doors that have been opened through this move and the guidance that he has provided in it all.  It is so easy to think that what we have is because of us and what we have done or accomplished.  Often times, I will say to Bumble, "Who got that for you?" and she'll say, "Well, ____ did."  I will say, "Yes, they bought it for you, but God gave them the ability to do so."  Probably a little over her head, but point is, it's not us, or our abilities by our own merit.  We hold on so tightly to the things of this world, things we think we have earned, when it really isn't ours at all.  It is all God's.  So through this process we have been continually trying to loosen our grasp and release our strongholds, handing them over to Him.

Things we prayed for when it comes to our new home (in no particular order):

1.  We prayed that we would be able to show the LOVE of God to others in our home.  We are not sure what that looks like yet, but I see future youth groups meeting, growth groups, family and friends gathering, sharing meals, and laughter.  It is not truly "ours", but instead a vessel to be used to serve the Lord.

2.  We prayed that our girls would grow up to know our creator intimately while living in this home.  We asked that they would have a pure joy for life and that they would desire God above all else.  We prayed that their desire to serve others would come before serving themselves.

3.  We prayed that we would be the kind of parents that God desires us to be.  We asked to be able to show them Christ's love through our marriage and our commitment to one another.  We want our hearts to be open to his Holy Spirit, showing us the doors to walk through as we guide our girls toward Him.  We asked for Him to show us how to be patient with them, love on them, and to create a home that will overflow with joy and laughter.

4.  We prayed that although we are thankful for the gifts He has given us we want our focus to be first and foremost on God.  Period.  Our perspective needs to be eternal, not purely earthly and on the temporal.

5.  We prayed that our trust always be in Him, no matter what this life brings.  We asked that God protect our home and our family, surrounding us with His angels.

It is so important that we pray for our family, our home, guidance, and direction.

In Ephesians 6 it talks about putting on the armor of God.  You wear armor in battle and I will tell you, marriage in general is a battlefield!  In my opinion, even more so in a Christian marriage at times. There is nothing more that Satan would want than to destroy a strong, Christ serving marriage.  It is important that we continually strap on the armor of God, not becoming complacent, and step into battle prepared and ready.

^"Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people."

Ephesians 6:11-18

 All of this being said, we decided to place "pieces" of the armor of God all over the framework of our new home.  We had many more scriptures picked out, but it was freezing and I couldn't handle it :)

"For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart." Hebrews 4:12
"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." John 1:1
"Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will not pass away." Matthew 24:35
"Every word of God proves true; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him." Proverbs 30:5
There is nothing more powerful than the word of God.  Don't take it for granted. Lift it up. Surround yourself with it. Be battle ready.

What is home really?

We have all heard the phrase "Home is where the heart is".  I have struggled with this over the last seven months.  Seven months ago we picked up and moved.  It was a move that came out of nowhere.  I fought the move through tears and anger, but there was always a still, resounding voice that kept saying, "Go!" from within my spirit.

My entire life has been spent in Texas.  My journey as a child started off west of Dallas, living in a trailer park, where my grandparents also lived.  After a few years of living there, we hitched our home to the back of a truck, and hauled it down the interstate. Off we went to another trailer park.  It's an interesting thing to move an hour away, but to bring your home with you.  We lived in that same mobile home until I was seven and my parents decided to build a home nearby.  Even though our new home was much nicer, I remember longing for the trailer park.  I remembered the familiarity of playing on our porch, skating around the park with neighborhood kids, and swimming at the clubhouse.  My little heart ached for the familiarity that we had in the home we hauled around.

Years passed and we were in our new home, enjoying it, swimming in the pool, playing football and basketball on a daily basis, and having friends over.  When I graduated I didn't go too far.  My first stop in college was an hour away.  I was in a relationship and I couldn't imagine anymore distance at the time.  My friends were also going to this school so I followed along.  We made our home in a dorm room and a few months later had the option to move to another, larger dorm, so we made the move.  Midway through my experience I soon realized that I was not at a college that had a lot of Christian influence.  Besides my high school friends, I felt like I was on an island when it came to my walk with Christ.  I decided to apply to Baylor, hoping to find a better fit.  This was HUGE for me.  Up until this time I was constantly clinging to familiarity.  I could not imagine leaving my friends and going to a place where I knew no one, but I felt led to apply just the same.  I was accepted and off I went that following year.

I moved into an apartment with a girl that I met from a board of people needing a roommate.  I loved Baylor, but financially it was not working out.  I had already signed a lease for the next year with some friends in a duplex so I decided to take some courses at the local community college.  From there I started my application process again.  I was becoming quite good at the whole applying thing at this point.  I applied to University of Arkansas and to a university in Texas.  I had started dating my husband, who had been my best friend for over six years, at this time and yes, that played into my decision.  I visited both campuses and in the end decided that University of Arkansas was too far when it came to really giving things a go with my husband.  I moved into another apartment with three other girls that I had never met.  It went well, but after a year I had met friends in the Christian sorority I was a part of.  The following year I moved into a rent house with some of my sorority girls.  My husband and I got engaged right before I started my journey into student teaching.  Once we were married, we moved into an apartment in the neighboring city for six months and then we bought a house near our hometown.  

All of this being said, I moved ten times (before this last move) and eight of those times were within six years. Yes, some of those moves were small, but it started building up more resiliency to being in situations that were unfamiliar.  However, once we moved into our home as a married couple and started having kids, I felt planted again, rooted, and I wanted nothing to do with the unfamiliar again.

Like I said, our move to Tennessee came out of absolutely nowhere.  I'll save that story for another day, but just know that it knocked me off my throne of security.  Since we moved we have visited friends and family in Texas and without fail I flood myself with tears all throughout the visit.  When it comes to the phrase, "Home is where the heart is", I have said a hundred times, "My HEART is here in Texas.  What are we doing?"  However, as any Texan knows, you will always have a special love for Texas, no matter where you go.  Other states may be beautiful, wonderful, etc. etc., but there is just something special about Texas.  Period.

Hence my new bumper sticker...

I remember during a recent church service I distinctly (and loudly) heard the voice of the Holy Spirit.  He said, "I am your HOME.  Not a place.  Not a person.  Just ME and I am with you WHEREVER you may go." In this moment, 
I knew I was home.   Yes, I missed the familiarity of my surroundings in Texas.  Yes, I missed my family and friends.  All of the ideas I had conjured up in my mind of where we would live in Texas and what we would be doing were washed away, but I suddenly felt great peace in the "unknown".  It was no longer the unknown, but instead the one thing that was truly known.   "Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." -Joshua 1:9-
The Lord is taking me to another place when it comes to my relationship with Him.  He is the only constant, everything else is truly temporary.  My confidence should be in Him, not solely the pleasures of this Earth.  Those things will change, shift, and disappoint, but the Lord, our God, is everlasting. "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." -James 1:17-
Often times I have doubt and fear creep in my mind when it comes to losing loved ones or something happening to myself.  The fear can be consuming, leaving me with questioning what my girls would do with out me and how Adam would be.   Through this God has reminded me that this is my home for now, but at some point my spirit will abandon my flesh and only then will I truly be home. Home is not necessarily where "the heart is". He is dwelling within your spirit.  He is living in the snowfall, blooming flowers, and sunshine.  His image thrives through his people all around you.  He is everywhere you go and in everything you see.   Home is where God is and he is everywhere you go. "Jesus replied, 'Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching.  My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them." -John 14:23-

Kids are just gross

If you have a weak stomach for all things kid, turn back, look away, read no more.  I understand.  I was the teenage babysitter who tried to convince the "older" five year old sibling to change his baby brother's diaper as I had Kleenex shoved up my nose and I tried to restrain myself from gagging.  I pleaded with the kid, begging him to give me a hand.  I would give him a cookie if he would change his brother's diaper for me.  Heck, I would've settled for an assistant for that matter.  I couldn't handle kids and their need to release anything and everything that they would consume within the day.

Flash forward 15 years.

It is true what they say about "it being different with your own kids".  It is absolutely different.  However, some days are just a little more than you want to handle.  At least I can now laugh about it with Bumble, with her being three.  The last two days have been an adventure in this area of things.  If you get grossed out easily, stop now, but if you are a parent I'm sure you can relate.

Hoot eats constantly.  She is just a passionate eater and always has been.  She was taking down 8 oz. from the beginning pretty much and has always enjoyed solids.  If we don't feed her fast enough she is yelling, grunting, and slamming her chubby little hand on the table.  She is a demanding little sucker.  However, with all of the food intake comes a lot of outtake.  We have spent many times on the side of the road, cleaning out blowouts, and many mornings changing sheets.  So as I am tearing off sheets today, running late for my MOMS group, I am doing an internal struggle of "do I throw her in the bath this morning and become even later OR do I just grab that box of wipes?"  I went with the second option (terrible I know), shoveled some food down, and out the door we went.  All the while I am trying to peel the layers of white dog hair that cling to me and fly around in the air.  Oh Denali. My 130 pound Husky-Wolf thinks it is summer when I turn on the heater in our apartment.  It is 30 degrees outside, come on man.  I had already cleaned our couch twice this morning with it being covered in an inch of snow white hair.  He likes to cram his body between the coffee table and the couch in search of crumbs left behind, while leaving a trail of clumpy dog hair along the couch line.  You can't escape it.  I'm not sure why I own anything black.  

We were only 30 minutes late to group.  Upon leaving I hear Hoot cough a few times and then start crying.  I do what I always do instinctively with her.  I reach in the diaper bag, grab a box of raisins, and hand them back.  Bumble immediately says, "Umm, Mom...she has oatmeal all over her."  Say what?  I get out to find her covered in breakfast from the morning.  Lovely.  I grab the wipes in the front seat and try to clean her up, very quickly, because my chubby little friend decides that she is going to eat her now resurfaced Craisins and oatmeal.  Yuck.  She just can't resist any kind of food being that close.

We get back and before getting her out of the car I decide to take off her shirt, even though it's freezing, and run her inside.  I throw Bumble's lunch in the microwave and throw Hoot in the tub.  After giving them both baths and lunch I get them into bed for a much needed nap.  After a few minutes I hear the springs of Hoot's mattress and I know that Bumble has made her way into Hoot's bed and they are jumping like crazy.  It's their own personal trampoline.  After about ten minutes of this Bumble is calling me saying, "Mom, get in here.  We have an emergency."  I walk in to find that Bumble has hopped out of the crib and is pointing at her sister, who is eating something (you can fill in that blank).  Another blow out.  Pants, shirt, back, hairline.  Yes.  Everything off.  Let's start again.  As I'm changing her, the sheets, and everything else Denali enters the room and decides he wants to start in on what he's finding in the sheets.  Then, Bumble jumps out of bed saying, "Mom!  I need to use the restroom!" and runs out of the room to the bathroom.  Once again, we get all settled, I get them down again, and I sit down to do a little reading.  Denali walks in and starts licking the coffee table, which usually doesn't bother me a ton, but with the situation being what it was and knowing where his tongue had been I immediately broke out the cleaners.

If you would have told the fifteen year old me what I would be doing down the road I would never have believed it.  All without Kleenex up the nostrils too.  Quite an accomplishment in itself.

Kids expose you to things that you never thought you would do.  Sometimes, when you are in the throws of complete chaos, you just need to smile, laugh, and take it in.  It's just for a moment.  A moment that will pass and I know at some point these little gross kiddos won't need me quite as much.  So for now, even though I often cringe, I will gladly follow them around and take care of all of their "emergencies".

What If I Don't Feel Like Being Thankful?

There are those weeks when I get on Facebook and I am bombarded with pictures of babies (totally guilty of this), posts about what someone ate for dinner (breakfast and lunch too), and "selfies" taken from every angle, with multiple expressions.  For the most part, I don't judge.  I don't care what you post.  I honestly like scanning through my feed and if what you post doesn't interest me I scan right past you, but I don't hate on you for it either.

This week, as I sat cozied up on my couch, I would pull out my phone and swipe through my news feed.  With several posts I felt my heart break.  Countless friends hurting.  Devastating news received.  Lives changed and altered forever.  I would pray for each one as I read them.  Then, that night or the next morning I would pray as well.  After a few days I started realizing that I couldn't keep track of all the pain and my prayer started sounding something like, 

"Dear Lord,

There are so many people hurting.  I can't remember all of their names and situations anymore, but you can.  Give them peace.  Let your angels stand guard around them.  In the hospital rooms, at the funerals, in their homes, please Lord, guard their hearts, give them peace that surpasses all understanding.

Amen."

In Paul's letter to the church at Thessalonica he says, "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).  As I laid in bed, on this Thanksgiving morning, I felt this verse on replay in my mind.

ALWAYS.

CONTINUALLY.

ALL CIRCUMSTANCES.

GOD'S WILL.

Just how are we supposed to do that?  

My Uncle gets diagnosed and passes away from cancer.  Be joyful?

My Aunt gets diagnosed and passes away from cancer.  Pray continually?

A young family, going on vacation, gets in a car accident and they all get killed.  Give thanks in all circumstances, even this one?

It is incredibly easy to give thanks when we feel all of our wants and needs are being met.  However, the moment things start working outside of our desires, you panic, become angry, and want to start throwing stones at God.  Our heart breaks, we don't understand, and we start to want our will to be done, not His.  We want to conform His will into our will.

Why do we allow Satan's voice to be so much louder than the Holy Spirit dwelling inside?  We start questioning and doubting so quickly.  

Often times, I can almost hear that slithering serpent, whispering to me, in my quiet moments...

"If God cared, why didn't he heal them?  Why does he allow you to be in so much pain? Where is your 'god' now?"

I don't pretend to have the answers.  To be honest, there are times that I feel anxiety swarming all around me, filling me with panic.  I have felt depression after having both of my girls.  Isn't that just crazy that you can feel depressed after having such a blessing enter your world?  For some, that postpartum depression business is the real deal, and it's hard.  However, let me tell you what gets me through it, even if it's just baby steps.

Faith and Obedience.

Don't expect automatic, genuine joy when you receive bad news because more than likely, you probably won't have it.  Don't expect to be overwhelmed with thankfulness when you experience heartbreak.  It's not going to happen on your own.  These are reactions that are not natural for us and that is okay.  Don't put yourself on a guilt trip because you think, "Oh, I should feel thankful in this circumstance.  I should feel joyful, but I'm not. I just feel hurt, anger, and resentment."

Here's the deal.  It's not about what you feel.  Feelings fluctuate every hour (pretty much every second if we're being honest).  We are fickle beings.

In Hebrews 4:1-3 it says, "Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it.  For we also have had the gospel preached to us, just as they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because those who heard did not combine it with faith.  Now we who have believed enter that rest..."

God promises us rest, but not based on what we "feel".  He gives us rest when we have faith in Him above and beyond what we can understand.  It is okay to say, "God, I don't understand. I feel anger and I feel sadness, but I have faith and belief in you and that is enough."  The more you say it, the more your feelings will catch up to your words.  Giving thanks keeps us in God's presence.

Bottom line, faith and trust in Him is shown through obedience.  Through that trust in His promises and word He will give you unexplainable joy and thankfulness, despite the circumstance.  His Holy Spirit fills the gap.  We just must be willing to take that first step, even when it goes completely against what we "feel".

This Thanksgiving I am of course thankful for my family, friends, and a roof over my head.  I am thankful for my husband's job and the fact that we have food in the fridge.  I am thankful for the doors that have been opened, since our move, when it comes to wonderful friends we have met, beautiful scenery, and an amazing church.  However, the thing that I am most thankful for is the hope that God gives us past this temporary life.  I love my life here, but my soul yearns for the time when I will spend eternity with God.  I am thankful that he provides opportunities for me to grow closer to Him in this life through pain, sorrow, and anger.  I am thankful that He can create a joyful heart, a prayer filled warrior,  and a thankful believer even when we don't feel like it.

Happy Thanksgiving All!